


Long Way Down

by skatewithmexo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, F/M, Heartbreak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:53:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25699858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skatewithmexo/pseuds/skatewithmexo
Summary: This came from deep at the bottom of my heart and is based off of my feelings, experiences and songs i've listened to at my worst times. Please be kind :)The songs are:Let Me Go - NFWait - M83i love you - Billie EilishAll I Want - KodalineNot About Angels - Birdy
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	Long Way Down

The person staring back from the mirror was unrecognisable. It's eyes, sunken, dark, full of tears that hadn't yet overflown. Thin hair framed it's face, cheekbones beginning to show, jawline sharp enough to kill. It reached up to touch her skin, pale, as if it were sick, blemished. The dam broke, tears spilling uncontrollably. 

No longer Nymphadora Tonks, but a stranger in borrowed robes. 

She ran her hands over the porcelain of the sink and bowed her head, hoping that when she looked up again she'd be different, the same person she'd always known herself to be. But the stranger remained, and a choked sob escaped it's mouth. It felt inhuman to cry, it used to be rare. Deep in her heart she knew that it would soon be a new normal. She turned her back to the mirror, hunched slightly, legs weak and arms heavy. Her hands reached up to pull her t-shirt from her body as she turned the dial on the shower, steam instantly beginning to spread. She looked down at her body, the strangers body, which was undeniably thinner. A feeling of nausea hit her like a bolt of lightning, and she was on the floor by the toilet, spilling out the contents of her stomach.

Steam was a heavy cloud filling the room, blocking out the dreaded mirror and the face of the stranger that lived in there. She sat on the floor of the shower, the feeling of jets of water like heavy rain. It reminded her of a time where she and Remus had gotten caught in the rain, and he'd thrown his jacket over her head to keep her dry. They had both ended up soaked through, and they'd sat in front of the fire at Grimmauld Place, curled up and kissing softly. Sirius had been so proud of the both of them when he'd stumbled in, the matchmaker. How Tonks missed him too.

She sat there until her skin was wrinkled and numb from the jets, and the water had run cold. Forcing her body to obey her, she went back to the sink, mirror thankfully obscured. Her hands fumbled for the toothpaste and her toothbrush. As she lifted her toothbrush to her mouth, her arm betrayed her, physically unable to lift it past her chest. A strangled cry came from deep within her throat, even more tears marching down her face like an army. She tried again, but it was in vain, as her arm fell to her side again, toothbrush falling to the floor. Somewhere between crying and screaming, she kicked the toothbrush across the floor and into the tiles on the other side of the room. All she wanted to do was stamp her feet like a child, punch the face of the stranger in the mirror and disappear so no one could ever bear witness to her condition. 

But she couldn't. 

All she could do was stare at that goddamn toothbrush.

She used to have a toothbrush back in his bathroom at Grimmauld Place too. He probably threw it away.

Her legs were dragging her to the soft comfort of her bed, or at least what should have been comfort. All she could think of was when she used to wake up with him next to her, after a tough week where they only saw eachother in passing, no time to even share a kiss. It might have just been her mind, but she could have sworn that she could still see an imprint of his body on the mattress. Not bothering to put on pyjamas, she crawled helplessly inbetween a multitude of blankets and pillows. She took the pillow his head had once rested upon and held it in her arms, trying to get any trace of his scent. But it had gone, as if any real trace of him had left alongside him. 

She hated being alone.

Pre Remus it had just been normal. But now he'd gone and left, there was a gaping hole everywhere she looked. In the kitchen, when she'd wake up to him making her breakfast (normally French toast, with a bacon smile). In the living room, where he used to read her poetry that she secretly loved. In her heart, where he'd lived rent free since they'd first met. When she looked in those places now, there was only a void, screaming silently, threatening to swallow her whole into a dark oblivion. Maybe she'd see Sirius there, a thought that comforted her. Would Remus be upset? Would he be relieved? Would he feel anything at all? Her parents? Ginny, Hermione, the people she had built bonds with in the Order, people who laughed at her antics and always went to her with teen girl drama? Molly who helped her when she'd had an awful argument with her mother? Mad-Eye, to whom she was a favourite? Her colleagues and friends, who she had worked cases with, been on long shifts with? Did they all care so deeply that they'd notice if she let the void swallow her? If she let it happen, and they did care, would she have any way of even knowing? And if she did, did that mean that Sirius could see her now? 

So many questions.

So much confusion. 

So... tired.

Eyelids heavy, she let a different void swallow her.

Sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> This came from deep at the bottom of my heart and is based off of my feelings, experiences and songs i've listened to at my worst times. Please be kind :)
> 
> The songs are:  
> Let Me Go - NF  
> Wait - M83  
> i love you - Billie Eilish  
> All I Want - Kodaline  
> Not About Angels - Birdy


End file.
